Drop the mic moment - I regularly feel like sh*t too!

Do you ever just look in the mirror and think yeah I'm a total boss bish! If you don't then you should!

I am an indestructible powerhouse!

Every day feels like a struggle at the moment; if my body is not trying to cease functioning productively my mind is... I just feel like I can't catch a break. Sometimes I just want to give up. But I don't, and that is one of my many Neurospicy strengths! It's easy to just give up because then I just don't have to do anything. BUT I know I'll feel worse (worse vs worst - English is so annoying!!) for it. So what do I do! I literally fake it until I make it! I mean I'm a mental health nurse and a therapist, I can't exactly just give in to this crappy feeling or else why should people choose me as their therapist?! Wouldn't be very good modelling would it?!

But sometimes I do allow myself to just feel what I'm feeling.

What we resist persists!

I tell myself it's OK to not feel OK. I put my mask on for others, and in the privacy and safety of my home I let myself just be. Because that's OK. We are multi-faceted beings and so why not allow ourselves to be different versions of ourselves in different settings. I'm being my authentic self by allowing myself to be the best version of myself for my clients. I allowed myself to reach out to a friend for help despite feeling vulnerable to do so... I allowed myself to cry. I've cried so much today. I can't say I feel better for it, but I don't feel worse for it; and I allowed myself to just be. It's worst to hold in what my body wants to do to naturally regulate myself.

Today I'm grateful I completed a report I couldn't be bothered writing. I am grateful for my mum and mother-in-law for their advice and guidance today. I'm grateful to the Fugees for their great music that I am currently listening to and will be listening to live next month!! I'm grateful to my husband who has been showing me memes all day that have made me LOL. I'm grateful that I am writing this blog to share with others that it is OK to not be OK, because I am starting to feel better (told ya, fake it to ya make it!).

I'm still functioning. I'm not doing everything that my brain is telling me that I need to do but I'm doing some stuff and that's what counts. I choose not to focus and dwell on the things I have not achieved, but celebrate my successes. Even if it's a couple of minutes of joy, that's something better than nothing because it's a few minutes less in my day where I'm not feeling sh*t.

I choose to remain fabulous, and accept the bad with the good.

I recognise that life is a rollercoaster so the highs come with the lows. Shutting myself off from people does not help me, so connecting with people even though I can't be bothered is key. There's so many ways to connect with with anything and everything. I looked at my photo album stories which provided a reminiscent space, reminding me of past good times. I spent some time with my mad dogs. Whoopi and Dotty by name, Whoopi and Dotty by nature. I love my dogs so much. I also love my cats. My cat Buddy was my first cat love, and Baba Gee, although I've known her since she was a kitten, she was my mum's cat first and so my love for her has developed over time as she was a very annoying kitten and now is just a moody old cat LOL! I often don't feel like being around people or even talking to them when I feel like this so I made sure I responded to people when they messaged me to today.

I'm grateful I dealt with some business affairs today. I'm behind with so much of my business stuff but I'm kind to myself as I recognise there are a lot of other things going on in my personal life so I did what I had the energy to do. The rest can wait. Eventually I'll have a deadline for completion, like tax deadlines so it will get done eventually! I love Aja Therapies, but I love the actual clinical side of what I do. Paperwork is such a BORE and a chore... SO a lot of the time, I recruit the hubby to body double with me. Tasks always feel that little bit easier with him next to me. But even when I'm at the university, when I have admin to do, I tend to sit in the main office, with my headphones on listening to music as tasks just feel easier with someone else around me, even if I'm not interacting with them.

I have no appetite what so ever, but again I know I need to eat and drink. Drinking feels easier. Eating is necessary for the functioning part! I remind myself that humans are like cars; our fuel is food like a cars is petrol or diesel (or electricity!!). Fluids are like our coolant. Physical health is like our oil. Without all of this the engine that is us ain't going to be running right. So I need to make sure I get the balance. Especially as if I don't exercise my body feels awful. I exercise three or four times a day. Nothing too strenuous or intense but stretches and muscle strengthening exercises. Easy to do in different environments or with different equipment; I have my exercises I do in my chair, in bed, and in the general space around me using resources like the stairs or the wall to help facilitate the movement. Exercise is our body's way of providing us with a natural anti-depressant and so when I feel like sh*t it is important to try and get my natural top-up!

I've been being creative as always. I have so many creative projects on the go and hope to finish them all this year! My latest is an oval pot that I am securing crystals to. I have amethyst, citrine, clear quartz, rose quartz, aventurine, carnelian, tigers eye, malachite, turquoise and lapis lazuli. Crystals aren't for everyone, but I love them and I'm getting a strong sense of achievement doing this as I am 2/3 through it! I may run out of crystals though...

And so before I check out of this post I'd like to reflect that when I started this post, my mood was around 3/10 but now I'm feeling a solid 4.5/10 which goes to show the benefits of journaling. I started this blog series, to show that I Lola, the Neurospicy psychotherapist, has these thoughts and feelings too, because we all do. And that's OK. We can control our own narrative despite the barriers that are thrown at our happiness. 4.5/10 is better than 3/10 and although I want it to be higher, I am still happy that it has risen because as everyone keeps telling me, I know it won't feel like this forever!

The sun will come out, tomorrow...

PS. I just accidentally pressed the back button and thought I'd lost the last hour of writing!!! The hubby & I hearts are still racing LOL!